Wrapping it up

There are many reasons for this, but suffice to say I'm resigning my online profile. Reason #1 is that I never went on it. Reasons #2 is that apparently I smell like laundry.

ANYWAY, I wasn't missing anything truly fascinating. Tragically, most of the messages I've been racking up whilst away have been normalish. Not compelling, but normal. There are a few quality screen names, like "manchld", "brownchiclets", and "SirCute" which is just kind of lame.

Also had a few quality subjects, including my personal fave "Wud luv 2 get to kno u." Here's my question, if you've already typed that much, how much more is the "w"? Maybe he just didn't have time. Let's find out!

"hey gorgeous, Wud luv 2 get to kno u. I am vet doctor, totally veg, luv animals, work with wild animals, travel around the world helping animals & people, & recently moved here. I luv 2 ride horses, travel, collect art & music, cook foodand Thai is my fav. Wud luv 2 hear from u. u can msg me at andy (dot) raman09 at gmail (dot) com."

Well, well, well andy_raman. I'm intrigued. Not only by the fact that you were clearly so lazy that you just straight up stole your message to me from your profile, but I am also totally veg and luv animals, although with a resume spelled like that, I definitely would NOT let you work with wild animals. Perhaps he is lying about his profession since generally speaking veterinarians have to be able to read? Pssh. Incidentally, he hasn't completed an essay on his profile. It's a mystery as to why.

Lots of people also prefer both the subject "hi" as well as the word "hi" in their message. Go on, Casanova, go on. Not to mention the simple "hey beautiful want 2 get 2 kno me?" No. No I do not. Also, homeless people also call me beautiful. So far I haven't slept with one. I had a gorgeous message that went thusly: "Hey beautiful, Good Morning. How r u? Like ur looks, especially ur smile. Wanna chat and know me?" Hmmmm intriguing. But chatting might involve having to read your messages and that's where it gets hairy.

But it gets better. Here is his description in his profile: "If u U need a down to earth, honest, faithful guy thats romantic and sexual aswell message me..." Well HELL silkstone123, I think I just might! Incidentally, he also likes "Titanic is my fav. movie. i love Chines and itallian food." Not really sure what Chines involves, but it sounds damn delicious. Sign me up, studly.

Is forlornity a word?

Well it darn well should be. Another day, another example of awkward encounters. Except today I have one online, as well as one offline! Squee!

Let's start online, shall we? It took me about 2 weeks to figure out that you even could turn off the chat function on my online dating profile. Oh happy day! My previous approach had been to quickly close the window every time someone chatted me and then, like a startled mouse, peer back online every 10 m or so to see if people were still trying to communicate with me. Well, before I figured that magic out, I first got messaged by Gscot57. Naturally, I immediately shut the window, and when I came back, lo and behold a delicious message was left behind!:

"good luck too ya! u kinda seem like someone that could actually hang with me but, guess will never know...."

Again, I know it seems a little lackluster in terms of crazy talk, but it's so forlorn. Like the poor guy just put all he had into the original "hey whats up" chat he sent me and I just stomped all over his heart like I was making grappa. Oh cruel Fate! Serendipity, you have forsaken me! As have thy callous brethren Grammar and Spelling!! *shakes fist at the dating heavens*

I was so intrigued by the anguished lament of this message that I was prompted to check the guy's profile out. Mind you, this was some 15 m later or so as I came out of hiding. Evidently, his profile doesn't exist. This means one of two things: either he has immediately blocked me and that's the site's way of letting me down easy ("What, him? Oh he died.") or he deleted his profile out of SORROW! Naturally, I choose the latter for dramatic intrigue.

Back to the real world, I have a coworker who I have never quite gelled with, in large part because he was an enormous butthead to me the first project I worked with him on. You know what, sir? I will, in fact, notice if you keep information from me and then treat me like an enormous idiot because I can't read your mind. Neither am I impressed by the professionalism displayed when you tug on my hair and pull my chair out from under me. (for realsies) We're in an office, not a preschool. So today Mr. BH walks over to me, cocks his head like a puppy and says, "I'm sorry, what is THAT?" *points at me*

Me: "What is what?"

BH: "THAT."

Me: "I'm sorry?"

BH: "That BLUE thing."

Me: "This?"

BH: "Yes. What is it?"

Me: "A sweater."

BH: "Really?"

Me: "I guess you could get fancy and call it a cardigan, but it's just a sweater."

BH: "But it's so long!"

Me: "That's called fashion."

BH: *wanders away*

Do we think I'll get fired if I fill his cubicle with shaving cream?

Time to jump back on the bandwagon

It’s a little unclear to me as to who reads this, but I’m going to assume only people who are really using me for my animal shelter hook-ups. Step off, yo, I don’t got no more kittens. For the moment.

At any rate, life has been a little more interesting lately from the standpoint that I have decided to date online a tad. So far I haven’t actually contacted anyone because people frighten me, evidently. But I thought to myself, “Hey, what’s the point of getting all of these awesome messages if you can’t share them with your judgmental friends?” So perhaps in the near future I will post every once in awhile about some of the ones that make me giggle. Are matters of the heart cruel? Hell yes.

I have multiple favorites, but I thought I’d start things off with sort of a short note:

From: mrdoallright232

Subject: hey

“Hi. How are ya?

I enjoyed your profile.

Keep in touch :)”

I think the question of why I would choose this one first pops up. Here’s the thing, it’s such a give-up. Online dating is hard, talking to chicks is hard, LIVING is hard. But you know what is especially hard? Responding to that with anything other than “I’m cool. ;b Don’t be a stranger!” God bless his most likely kind little heart, but you gotta try harder than that. On top of that, his interests include “bubble breaking” and “filling in nail holes”. I think those are home improvement references, but it’s difficult to tell in the face of sheer unbridled boredom.

Here’s the dirty little secret of online dating: according to some of the photos on my profile, I probably have ovaries and even a vagina. Men are universally intrigued by this, to the point of saying things like “My friends tell me I’m funny!” and outright lying about themselves. Let’s make the assumption that one or two other dudes have messaged me this week. I only have so much time on my hands. Time spent on cleaning up my pets’ vomit and getting the snot kicked out of me in contact sports. There must be a compelling message. As it is, I’m exhausted from worrying that this fine young gent will never find love because he can’t muster up the courage to be interesting even in his screen name.

Closing note: keep in touch is usually reserved for estranged relatives. Just sayin’.