Seriously, I hate dating

*sigh* You know how sometimes you go on a date with someone and they're just really kind of not interesting? And sometimes said person is attractive enough in their own right, but if they don't manage to say something to pique your interest in the first, oh say, 7 hours of your involvement it just never seems 'worth it'? Well, I do. Lately most of my dating life has been primarily a variation on said story. It seems that I've had more date offers in the recent past than I historically have received. This is probably due to a number of factors that I'm primarily unaware of and, frankly, I'm not sure I want to know because I have come to the decision that I hate dating. I don't hate snacking, snogging, snuggling, or whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be doing from a romantic standpoint, I just hate the whole dating process.

First of all, there is no way that hours upon hours with one person can remain interesting. At least not when both party members are constantly questioning whether or not a) they have something in their teeth or b) they were supposed to have made out by now. Thought processes like these tend to turn someone's brain into a creamy noodle soup and, while most people seem intrigued by this, I am simply weirded out by it. The only times when I have been so relaxed as to completely enjoy myself is when I know there's no danger of stray thoughts or phrases that might imply that I'm fair struggling with myself to keep my pants on. These relaxed moments tend to come when I'm hanging out with a girl since, obviously, this situation is a no brainer. I even have a few guy friends that aren't gay or dating someone where I have achieved this status, but even that is a constantly changing situation, but that's another post for another time. For now, let's focus on dating someone who I probably won't end up liking. I mean, don't know very well.

A good example is the dates I have been on recently. Whenever I have been on a date with someone from match.com, unless they really bowl me over, I've pretty much checked out after 30 minutes. This may seem unfair, but since the whole dating process doesn't interest me, the matchguy has to really catch my interest, as I do his. The only caveat I can find in this situation is that, no matter how intelligent or funny he may be, he doesn't care what I have to say unless he's positive we're going to be dating for a while. I could be wrong about this, but I get the impression that most of the guys I've been out with think that, at the very least, every date is salvageable because of the chance of nook. If I'm even remotely attractive, they will stick it out because who knows? I could be a raging whore. Huzzah!! But from a girl's perspective, the chance that I'm going to drop and give him 20 or whatever else it is he's expecting is pretty slim.

What usually ends up happening with the matchguy is that I will go on one or two dates in order to secure my lack of feeling for them, then I will call and tell them politely that I'm not interested. Apparently, this is the mature and sane thing to do according to most of the guys I talk to, including my local DJ. I could lead the guy on, get free dinners, etc, but I don't because I am an adult. And yet, when I say I'm not interested, the automatic reaction they have is that I'm a bitch. Huh. And here I was NOT being a wuss by confronting you. So I will take suggestions from people on how they think it is best to dump people I was never dating in the first place. In the meantime, I shall think of a few on my own below:

1. Kick them in the shins.
2. Kick them in the face.
3. Send them a gift certificate for a kick to the shins and face.
4. Eat 100 lbs of protein and bench-press them in half.
5. Force them to watch Electra.

I like #3 and #5 together as a package deal.

Biggest mistake EVER

I would like to apologize to anyone who cares (probably just Liz at this point) that I haven't blogged lately. Ironically, I've quite a bit of exiciting stuff (via my estimation) going on, I was just sick and then, you know, lazy.

ANYWAY, my top news is that I have taken the plunge and joined match.com. Why, you ask? I can hear it now, "Meg! You're so awesome! Remember that time you were in a bad mood and gave me the look of doom? That was so romantic! I can't believe you're not dating anyone!"

I KNOW. But, life has taken it's delicate little turns and here we all are. Me sans a bf but with a bff, and some lucky man sans 2 insane cats and my personal insight on that movie Electra, and I'm still not sure where those 2 hours went. It's like my life just vanished because the movie was so bad.

Well, let me just say that I must look amazing on paper because guys have been "winking all over me", as Richard says. There's a couple of interesting prospects, but what I find most fascinating is that, despite my age range limitations (23-30), I get 35 year olds and over contacting me all the time. Why would a guy that old want to date a 24 year old? I am not looking to get married. In theory, we should be at such different places in life that we would explode if we ever came within 10 feet of each other. Yesterday I imed some 31 year old guy because I refused to call him on the phone. To be fair, I really hate the phone except for conversations with a select few people, so that guy can suck it. At any rate, the conversation was the iming equivalent of ramming my face repeatedly into the wall. A recreation below:

Me: So what's your favorite kind of music?
Him: I have a game we can play. (emoticon)
Me: Um, super.
Him: It's a variation of 20 questions, but really we just switch off questions and we both have to answer. (emoticon)
Me: Yokay. I'll go first. What kind of music do you like?
Him: Everything. Okay now you answer. (emoticon)
Me: No, really, what kind of stuff do you listen to, what are your favorite bands, etc.?
Him: I like cultural stuff...
Me: Cultural how? For example, what are some of your favorite bands?
Him: There's just too many to list lol (emoticon)
Me: Why don't you try to toss out a few.

You get the picture. Like pulling teeth. And trust me when I say it doesn't get any better. So online dating is not everything it could be, but I suppose it doesn't matter since I didn't really stop to think about it too much. Here's the problem with this whole situation: I am sooooooo uncomfortable with this setup of emailing people and then knowing that they're probably lying to you in some manner. I am the most unromantic person I have ever met so it's hard to invent this ideal relationship before I've even met the guy. And when I do consider meeting people, there's always the worry that I'll just waste that hour of my life. On the flip side of the coin, I've gotten really good at subtley inserting self defeating comments into preliminary conversations such as "White people suck!" and "Christmas is the only holiday worth celebrating!" and "The Midwest is whitest and most intolerant part of the world I've ever seen!" Do I believe these things? Not really, no. Well except for the bit about Christmas. Although now that I think about it I'm recalling the various high points of Labor Day, but that is a discussion for another time.

Good times on the internet

I have spent a lot of time lately looking at the personal ads on Craigslist. Not because I'm shopping them, although that's not beyond me, but rather because I find them so consumingly funny. The w4m, or "women for men" are alright but predictable. Most of them are pretty much women showing off their junk in various and asundry sultry poses and then describing their ideal man. Ironically, I would argue that most of the time, that description does not include a body qualified other than a general "healthy". That isn't to say that women don't have some sort of preferred body type, but rather that they like to keep their options open. I'm looking at one right now entitled "I'm not a fairytale princess" that lists qualities that she won't compromise on and those she will. That's a descriptive list. It definitely weeds out the wheat from the chaff. No, certainly most of them aren't that helpful. Most of them are about a paragraph or two and say general things, but they're usually phrases like "I'm dancing and clubbing" and less "you must have size DD breasts". Some of the more amusing ones ask for sugardaddies and whatnot, and sugardaddies looking for women "to spoil" are pretty common on the m4w side of things as well. Moreover, every single one of them that includes a picture that is a picture OF THEM. Although I did just read someone's post that included the words "CATHOLLIC PRIEST". That's right, two L's.

Which brings me to m4w, or "men for women", in case you missed that part. The second post provided today is a married man looking for a mistress, though they neglect to phrase it that way. There seem to be lots of those, but I say "whatever". I'm a big fan of marriage so it bothers me, but it's also not my problem since it's not my values dying slowly inside of me a little bit everyday. Also, what does "petite" even mean? Why do all of these ridiculously tall men want elves for girlfriends? Which brings me to my main point, and this is going to be vaguely cruel, if you are not "the whole package", then you shouldn't be looking for only "the whole package". We all have faults. We love people because of and in spite of them. What we do not do is ignore our own faults and refuse to accept little eccentricities in others. Below I will provide a typical example of an ad on the m4w board:

*****

I am looking for a woman that has a great sense of humor, an opinion, and can hold her own in a conversation.

Please have the following characteristics:
Medium to long hair
Black or Brown hair
Beautiful eyes
Natural beauty
Spanish or Latin looks
Sweet voice
Tall
HWP
25-45 yrs.
Open Minded
Fun/Open Personality
Emotionally secure
No baggage
Dresses Up as well as Jeans

40yrs old, live in my own home, have a good job, good credit, take care of myself, and have been told I am cute.

If any of this has peaked your curiosity, drop me a line and let's chat.

Talk to you soon.

-Bill

P.S. Plenty of pics to send after we determine if there is any chemistry.

***

What the HELL? How SPECIFIC can we get?? Also, everyone has "been told that [they're] cute". My father says it to me all the time. Do I believe him? Hell no! He's my FATHER he's SUPPOSED to say that. I'm not saying men are dogs, I'm saying they don't understand the art of posting online. There seems to be a derth of people that understand how to attract what they're looking for, let alone anyone. Women have this problem too. They're too ambiguous and, thus, seem to get a lot of "let's just do it, hot lips", or so there posts have told me. Also, men seem to think that including a picture of a sunset is acceptable behavior. It's not.