I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm posting now out of desperation.
There is a fly in my office that is, and I'm not kidding about this, the size of a small cat. That bastard has been living in here and whizzing around my head for about a month now and I think I've finally reached the limit of my patience. He brought all of his little friends in last night and guess what? I opened up a big ol' bottle of pain with my Napa Style because it's the ugliest catalog I have ever seen and the man who owns it quotes himself. That's just ridiculous, but I digress. I thought I had gotten the ringleader too, but he's back and I think he's angry. Frankly, I'm frightened for my life and everyone is out of the office until tomorrow morning. Any suggestions on how I'm going to kill the biggest fly I've ever seen are welcome. In the meantime, I have adopted this strategy:
1. Scream like a little girl every time it comes within 5 feet of me.
2. Try to squelch screams to maintain my aura of professionalism.
3. Valiantly take a swing at it with my Napa Style, Harvest 2005 edition. Yeah, I'll "Celebrate the Flavor of Life", Michael. Jerk.
4. Return to crying softly over my lean cuisine because I have been out thought and out maneuvered by a fly for OVER A MONTH.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Seriously, I hate dating
*sigh* You know how sometimes you go on a date with someone and they're just really kind of not interesting? And sometimes said person is attractive enough in their own right, but if they don't manage to say something to pique your interest in the first, oh say, 7 hours of your involvement it just never seems 'worth it'? Well, I do. Lately most of my dating life has been primarily a variation on said story. It seems that I've had more date offers in the recent past than I historically have received. This is probably due to a number of factors that I'm primarily unaware of and, frankly, I'm not sure I want to know because I have come to the decision that I hate dating. I don't hate snacking, snogging, snuggling, or whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be doing from a romantic standpoint, I just hate the whole dating process.
First of all, there is no way that hours upon hours with one person can remain interesting. At least not when both party members are constantly questioning whether or not a) they have something in their teeth or b) they were supposed to have made out by now. Thought processes like these tend to turn someone's brain into a creamy noodle soup and, while most people seem intrigued by this, I am simply weirded out by it. The only times when I have been so relaxed as to completely enjoy myself is when I know there's no danger of stray thoughts or phrases that might imply that I'm fair struggling with myself to keep my pants on. These relaxed moments tend to come when I'm hanging out with a girl since, obviously, this situation is a no brainer. I even have a few guy friends that aren't gay or dating someone where I have achieved this status, but even that is a constantly changing situation, but that's another post for another time. For now, let's focus on dating someone who I probably won't end up liking. I mean, don't know very well.
A good example is the dates I have been on recently. Whenever I have been on a date with someone from match.com, unless they really bowl me over, I've pretty much checked out after 30 minutes. This may seem unfair, but since the whole dating process doesn't interest me, the matchguy has to really catch my interest, as I do his. The only caveat I can find in this situation is that, no matter how intelligent or funny he may be, he doesn't care what I have to say unless he's positive we're going to be dating for a while. I could be wrong about this, but I get the impression that most of the guys I've been out with think that, at the very least, every date is salvageable because of the chance of nook. If I'm even remotely attractive, they will stick it out because who knows? I could be a raging whore. Huzzah!! But from a girl's perspective, the chance that I'm going to drop and give him 20 or whatever else it is he's expecting is pretty slim.
What usually ends up happening with the matchguy is that I will go on one or two dates in order to secure my lack of feeling for them, then I will call and tell them politely that I'm not interested. Apparently, this is the mature and sane thing to do according to most of the guys I talk to, including my local DJ. I could lead the guy on, get free dinners, etc, but I don't because I am an adult. And yet, when I say I'm not interested, the automatic reaction they have is that I'm a bitch. Huh. And here I was NOT being a wuss by confronting you. So I will take suggestions from people on how they think it is best to dump people I was never dating in the first place. In the meantime, I shall think of a few on my own below:
1. Kick them in the shins.
2. Kick them in the face.
3. Send them a gift certificate for a kick to the shins and face.
4. Eat 100 lbs of protein and bench-press them in half.
5. Force them to watch Electra.
I like #3 and #5 together as a package deal.
First of all, there is no way that hours upon hours with one person can remain interesting. At least not when both party members are constantly questioning whether or not a) they have something in their teeth or b) they were supposed to have made out by now. Thought processes like these tend to turn someone's brain into a creamy noodle soup and, while most people seem intrigued by this, I am simply weirded out by it. The only times when I have been so relaxed as to completely enjoy myself is when I know there's no danger of stray thoughts or phrases that might imply that I'm fair struggling with myself to keep my pants on. These relaxed moments tend to come when I'm hanging out with a girl since, obviously, this situation is a no brainer. I even have a few guy friends that aren't gay or dating someone where I have achieved this status, but even that is a constantly changing situation, but that's another post for another time. For now, let's focus on dating someone who I probably won't end up liking. I mean, don't know very well.
A good example is the dates I have been on recently. Whenever I have been on a date with someone from match.com, unless they really bowl me over, I've pretty much checked out after 30 minutes. This may seem unfair, but since the whole dating process doesn't interest me, the matchguy has to really catch my interest, as I do his. The only caveat I can find in this situation is that, no matter how intelligent or funny he may be, he doesn't care what I have to say unless he's positive we're going to be dating for a while. I could be wrong about this, but I get the impression that most of the guys I've been out with think that, at the very least, every date is salvageable because of the chance of nook. If I'm even remotely attractive, they will stick it out because who knows? I could be a raging whore. Huzzah!! But from a girl's perspective, the chance that I'm going to drop and give him 20 or whatever else it is he's expecting is pretty slim.
What usually ends up happening with the matchguy is that I will go on one or two dates in order to secure my lack of feeling for them, then I will call and tell them politely that I'm not interested. Apparently, this is the mature and sane thing to do according to most of the guys I talk to, including my local DJ. I could lead the guy on, get free dinners, etc, but I don't because I am an adult. And yet, when I say I'm not interested, the automatic reaction they have is that I'm a bitch. Huh. And here I was NOT being a wuss by confronting you. So I will take suggestions from people on how they think it is best to dump people I was never dating in the first place. In the meantime, I shall think of a few on my own below:
1. Kick them in the shins.
2. Kick them in the face.
3. Send them a gift certificate for a kick to the shins and face.
4. Eat 100 lbs of protein and bench-press them in half.
5. Force them to watch Electra.
I like #3 and #5 together as a package deal.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Biggest mistake EVER
I would like to apologize to anyone who cares (probably just Liz at this point) that I haven't blogged lately. Ironically, I've quite a bit of exiciting stuff (via my estimation) going on, I was just sick and then, you know, lazy.
ANYWAY, my top news is that I have taken the plunge and joined match.com. Why, you ask? I can hear it now, "Meg! You're so awesome! Remember that time you were in a bad mood and gave me the look of doom? That was so romantic! I can't believe you're not dating anyone!"
I KNOW. But, life has taken it's delicate little turns and here we all are. Me sans a bf but with a bff, and some lucky man sans 2 insane cats and my personal insight on that movie Electra, and I'm still not sure where those 2 hours went. It's like my life just vanished because the movie was so bad.
Well, let me just say that I must look amazing on paper because guys have been "winking all over me", as Richard says. There's a couple of interesting prospects, but what I find most fascinating is that, despite my age range limitations (23-30), I get 35 year olds and over contacting me all the time. Why would a guy that old want to date a 24 year old? I am not looking to get married. In theory, we should be at such different places in life that we would explode if we ever came within 10 feet of each other. Yesterday I imed some 31 year old guy because I refused to call him on the phone. To be fair, I really hate the phone except for conversations with a select few people, so that guy can suck it. At any rate, the conversation was the iming equivalent of ramming my face repeatedly into the wall. A recreation below:
Me: So what's your favorite kind of music?
Him: I have a game we can play. (emoticon)
Me: Um, super.
Him: It's a variation of 20 questions, but really we just switch off questions and we both have to answer. (emoticon)
Me: Yokay. I'll go first. What kind of music do you like?
Him: Everything. Okay now you answer. (emoticon)
Me: No, really, what kind of stuff do you listen to, what are your favorite bands, etc.?
Him: I like cultural stuff...
Me: Cultural how? For example, what are some of your favorite bands?
Him: There's just too many to list lol (emoticon)
Me: Why don't you try to toss out a few.
You get the picture. Like pulling teeth. And trust me when I say it doesn't get any better. So online dating is not everything it could be, but I suppose it doesn't matter since I didn't really stop to think about it too much. Here's the problem with this whole situation: I am sooooooo uncomfortable with this setup of emailing people and then knowing that they're probably lying to you in some manner. I am the most unromantic person I have ever met so it's hard to invent this ideal relationship before I've even met the guy. And when I do consider meeting people, there's always the worry that I'll just waste that hour of my life. On the flip side of the coin, I've gotten really good at subtley inserting self defeating comments into preliminary conversations such as "White people suck!" and "Christmas is the only holiday worth celebrating!" and "The Midwest is whitest and most intolerant part of the world I've ever seen!" Do I believe these things? Not really, no. Well except for the bit about Christmas. Although now that I think about it I'm recalling the various high points of Labor Day, but that is a discussion for another time.
ANYWAY, my top news is that I have taken the plunge and joined match.com. Why, you ask? I can hear it now, "Meg! You're so awesome! Remember that time you were in a bad mood and gave me the look of doom? That was so romantic! I can't believe you're not dating anyone!"
I KNOW. But, life has taken it's delicate little turns and here we all are. Me sans a bf but with a bff, and some lucky man sans 2 insane cats and my personal insight on that movie Electra, and I'm still not sure where those 2 hours went. It's like my life just vanished because the movie was so bad.
Well, let me just say that I must look amazing on paper because guys have been "winking all over me", as Richard says. There's a couple of interesting prospects, but what I find most fascinating is that, despite my age range limitations (23-30), I get 35 year olds and over contacting me all the time. Why would a guy that old want to date a 24 year old? I am not looking to get married. In theory, we should be at such different places in life that we would explode if we ever came within 10 feet of each other. Yesterday I imed some 31 year old guy because I refused to call him on the phone. To be fair, I really hate the phone except for conversations with a select few people, so that guy can suck it. At any rate, the conversation was the iming equivalent of ramming my face repeatedly into the wall. A recreation below:
Me: So what's your favorite kind of music?
Him: I have a game we can play. (emoticon)
Me: Um, super.
Him: It's a variation of 20 questions, but really we just switch off questions and we both have to answer. (emoticon)
Me: Yokay. I'll go first. What kind of music do you like?
Him: Everything. Okay now you answer. (emoticon)
Me: No, really, what kind of stuff do you listen to, what are your favorite bands, etc.?
Him: I like cultural stuff...
Me: Cultural how? For example, what are some of your favorite bands?
Him: There's just too many to list lol (emoticon)
Me: Why don't you try to toss out a few.
You get the picture. Like pulling teeth. And trust me when I say it doesn't get any better. So online dating is not everything it could be, but I suppose it doesn't matter since I didn't really stop to think about it too much. Here's the problem with this whole situation: I am sooooooo uncomfortable with this setup of emailing people and then knowing that they're probably lying to you in some manner. I am the most unromantic person I have ever met so it's hard to invent this ideal relationship before I've even met the guy. And when I do consider meeting people, there's always the worry that I'll just waste that hour of my life. On the flip side of the coin, I've gotten really good at subtley inserting self defeating comments into preliminary conversations such as "White people suck!" and "Christmas is the only holiday worth celebrating!" and "The Midwest is whitest and most intolerant part of the world I've ever seen!" Do I believe these things? Not really, no. Well except for the bit about Christmas. Although now that I think about it I'm recalling the various high points of Labor Day, but that is a discussion for another time.
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