Seriously, I hate dating

*sigh* You know how sometimes you go on a date with someone and they're just really kind of not interesting? And sometimes said person is attractive enough in their own right, but if they don't manage to say something to pique your interest in the first, oh say, 7 hours of your involvement it just never seems 'worth it'? Well, I do. Lately most of my dating life has been primarily a variation on said story. It seems that I've had more date offers in the recent past than I historically have received. This is probably due to a number of factors that I'm primarily unaware of and, frankly, I'm not sure I want to know because I have come to the decision that I hate dating. I don't hate snacking, snogging, snuggling, or whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be doing from a romantic standpoint, I just hate the whole dating process.

First of all, there is no way that hours upon hours with one person can remain interesting. At least not when both party members are constantly questioning whether or not a) they have something in their teeth or b) they were supposed to have made out by now. Thought processes like these tend to turn someone's brain into a creamy noodle soup and, while most people seem intrigued by this, I am simply weirded out by it. The only times when I have been so relaxed as to completely enjoy myself is when I know there's no danger of stray thoughts or phrases that might imply that I'm fair struggling with myself to keep my pants on. These relaxed moments tend to come when I'm hanging out with a girl since, obviously, this situation is a no brainer. I even have a few guy friends that aren't gay or dating someone where I have achieved this status, but even that is a constantly changing situation, but that's another post for another time. For now, let's focus on dating someone who I probably won't end up liking. I mean, don't know very well.

A good example is the dates I have been on recently. Whenever I have been on a date with someone from match.com, unless they really bowl me over, I've pretty much checked out after 30 minutes. This may seem unfair, but since the whole dating process doesn't interest me, the matchguy has to really catch my interest, as I do his. The only caveat I can find in this situation is that, no matter how intelligent or funny he may be, he doesn't care what I have to say unless he's positive we're going to be dating for a while. I could be wrong about this, but I get the impression that most of the guys I've been out with think that, at the very least, every date is salvageable because of the chance of nook. If I'm even remotely attractive, they will stick it out because who knows? I could be a raging whore. Huzzah!! But from a girl's perspective, the chance that I'm going to drop and give him 20 or whatever else it is he's expecting is pretty slim.

What usually ends up happening with the matchguy is that I will go on one or two dates in order to secure my lack of feeling for them, then I will call and tell them politely that I'm not interested. Apparently, this is the mature and sane thing to do according to most of the guys I talk to, including my local DJ. I could lead the guy on, get free dinners, etc, but I don't because I am an adult. And yet, when I say I'm not interested, the automatic reaction they have is that I'm a bitch. Huh. And here I was NOT being a wuss by confronting you. So I will take suggestions from people on how they think it is best to dump people I was never dating in the first place. In the meantime, I shall think of a few on my own below:

1. Kick them in the shins.
2. Kick them in the face.
3. Send them a gift certificate for a kick to the shins and face.
4. Eat 100 lbs of protein and bench-press them in half.
5. Force them to watch Electra.

I like #3 and #5 together as a package deal.