I want my mother to come back from Mexico

Namely because normally the dogs are her responsibility because, let's face it, they love her best and that's cool with me. Also, the puppy has been licking one of the legs of the chair in her office for about 10 minutes. That's gross and more than a little weird. I've also been on poo brigade all weekend because the puppy isn't fully trained, despite being a year old. He knows not to poo in the house in front of us, but that's not especially helpful when he goes ahead and does it anyway when we're not watching. Little bastard. He also has some aversion to grass. It's like hot lava for his little delicate paws and while I stand out in the middle of the yard calling to him, he kinda just looks at me askance and sits down on the driveway to avoid the lawn.

In other news, today is July 4th, but I went to an unprecedented display of fireworks last evening. I say unprecedented because July 4th is not really my holiday. I can't precisely see what all the fuss is about and I refuse to do battle with some random hicks just to see some fireworks. My friend Tony had a little "reception" at his airplane hanger at the Addison Airport, so me and some other people all scampered down there and had daiquiris and really spicy queso and waited for 2.5 hours to watch fireworks. We then waited another hour for the fireworks and then traffic. All in all it was more fun than I expected, mostly because of the people. I remained unimpressed by the bright lights, except when I was positive they were going to light us all on fire. I promised Gary $25 for each individual time he was engulfed in flames due to a firework, but despite their proximity (they set them off in the middle of the airport and they explode directly overhead), the wind blew most of the singey bits away. Cool. Also, *someone* tried to untie my halter top. Not cool. It comes off when you do that, guys. And if *someone* tickles me again, I'm going to hit him in the kidney and then kick him in the shins for good measure. Okay then.

Which brings me to an interesting conversation I had with Thomas, who is the sibling of my friend Amy. We were talking about wolphins, the product of a really horny dolphin and a really drunk orca. Ironically, orcas are in fact dolphins, as opposed to whales, so I wonder what genius thought that up. At any rate, I was prompted to ask the question of how the orca gets drunk enough to sleep with the prostitute of the seas. So, upon remunerating on what it would take to "set the mood", I came up with wine, Marvin Gaye, a really big bubble bath, a fireplace, oysters, and chocolate. Thomas came up with Barry Manilow and beer. And that, my friends, is the inherent difference between men and women. When I looked at him askance and said "Really?", his response was, "Well where would you even find that much bubble bath. Mine makes more sense." Sigh.