Time to jump back on the bandwagon

It’s a little unclear to me as to who reads this, but I’m going to assume only people who are really using me for my animal shelter hook-ups. Step off, yo, I don’t got no more kittens. For the moment.

At any rate, life has been a little more interesting lately from the standpoint that I have decided to date online a tad. So far I haven’t actually contacted anyone because people frighten me, evidently. But I thought to myself, “Hey, what’s the point of getting all of these awesome messages if you can’t share them with your judgmental friends?” So perhaps in the near future I will post every once in awhile about some of the ones that make me giggle. Are matters of the heart cruel? Hell yes.

I have multiple favorites, but I thought I’d start things off with sort of a short note:

From: mrdoallright232

Subject: hey

“Hi. How are ya?

I enjoyed your profile.

Keep in touch :)”

I think the question of why I would choose this one first pops up. Here’s the thing, it’s such a give-up. Online dating is hard, talking to chicks is hard, LIVING is hard. But you know what is especially hard? Responding to that with anything other than “I’m cool. ;b Don’t be a stranger!” God bless his most likely kind little heart, but you gotta try harder than that. On top of that, his interests include “bubble breaking” and “filling in nail holes”. I think those are home improvement references, but it’s difficult to tell in the face of sheer unbridled boredom.

Here’s the dirty little secret of online dating: according to some of the photos on my profile, I probably have ovaries and even a vagina. Men are universally intrigued by this, to the point of saying things like “My friends tell me I’m funny!” and outright lying about themselves. Let’s make the assumption that one or two other dudes have messaged me this week. I only have so much time on my hands. Time spent on cleaning up my pets’ vomit and getting the snot kicked out of me in contact sports. There must be a compelling message. As it is, I’m exhausted from worrying that this fine young gent will never find love because he can’t muster up the courage to be interesting even in his screen name.

Closing note: keep in touch is usually reserved for estranged relatives. Just sayin’.